It’s not OK!

When I picked up the Oct.13 issue of OK! Magazine, I assumed they were doing an early Halloween special. So you can imagine my utter bafflement at not finding any Halloween-related articles inside. Surely such a grotesque cover merited at least one story that scared the pants off its readers! It can’t just be a coincidence that Lindsay Lohan looks like a stuffed zombie (in a reject from the Mary Poppins’designer outfit collection) And that smile – if that is not the smile of a psycho before she waves the kitchen knife in your face, I don’t know what is. Hitchcock took inspiration from cover photos such as these.

Matronly as her d d dress is, Lindsay isn’t exactly known to be the most stylish It Girl. So I can almost forgive her the dress, but the bra is beyond my sympathy. It makes her assets head south at least 20 years before their journey is due. (They’re called underwires, Lindsay. Google them.) Luckily for those of us blessed with eyesight, some of her cleavage is covered by what seem to be ugly blonde hair extensions. Limp, lifeless, lackluster, flat – her hair makes Raggedy Ann look like a model from a shampoo commercial.

As you further scrutinize the photo, you’ll notice a rushed manicure, pale pink lipstick that does nothing for her sallow complexion and eye makeup that ranges from strictly OK ( or should I say OK!) to blink and it’s gone. (I know, I know, I am a lean, mean punning machine.)

Incidentally, the cover story is not that bad. The photos in the spread make Lindsay look young, fresh and happy. Even Samantha Ronson, Lindsay’s new love experiment, looks like she might not have descended from Jupiter after all. What prompted them to use such a terrible image on the cover, I wonder? Especially given OK’s entire purpose, which is celebrity photos. 

I’d have let this offensive cover slide if OK! weren’t part of a bigger celebrity-mag conspiracy. They all look alike – so much so that I spent a day walking around with this issue, referring to it as US Weekly, until a friend pointed out my mistake.

Anyway, that is for the branding experts to deal with. I just hope that OK!’s photography experts pay heed to my rant and don’t make their next cover subject look like she just escaped a mental institution.

 

— Anuya Jakatdar

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